Good Fridays - Judas's Story

What kind of life was it, anyway? I mean, living under the shadow of those brutal Romans? What's the point of living when you're constantly being made to live in a smaller and smaller box? That's what it was like. It's sickening to know you have no way of fighting back... no way to improve things for your loved ones because the authorities want to keep you down...the pressure of never quite knowing how much money they're going to demand off you the next tax round...and people become ugly, you know? They start just looking after their own, after number one, and friendships become frayed because money and possessions are more and more vital for survival. Its selfish and heart-breaking. But you can understand it...you don't want it like that
but you understand it.

Anyway, there was this man..A new teacher in town...Jesus...he caught my attention. I'd heard many other preachers in the market places before, but you could tell they were just a con. However, Jesus was different! He talked differently. Not just a crowd-pleaser but kind of simple, you know? He said things so...simply. But then not, I mean, people would ask him a question, and he wouldn't give them a straight answer, he'd tell them a story. How funny is that? But then you'd find yourself listening, and realising that somehow, what this guy was saying was right, it felt true and good and like everything had a reason after all. Wow, it was amazing when you saw the crowds flocking to hear him speak! I got in there straight away. I got to know him...he chose me to be one of his 12 closest companions! That was a good time for me, it was exciting following Jesus around, travelling with him. I could see hope for the future, I felt like we could achieve anything when he talked...it felt like freedom could be real....

But that day he arrived into Jerusalem...the way he arrived! I mean, what was he thinking, arriving on a donkey? I think that was when my hope started fading. He was meant to be our liberator, he promised freedom if we only trusted in Him! What was he doing? And all the people who cheered him as he approached the city walls...who shouted 'Hosanna' like it didn't matter he looked a fool on that donkey...of course I couldn't say anything, I was walking alongside him with the others, but I couldn't help feeling embaressed. Some of the crowd even snapped off palm branches from the fields nearby and started waving them. Others laid their cloaks on the ground for him. I started doubting that Jesus really was going to help anything. Maybe he was just another gimmick, like those other preachers I'd seen. What had I been doing, trusting in him?

Later I passed the temple and saw a priest who I recognised as one of the ones out to quieten Jesus.
It started me thinking, well, why shouldn't I have some gain out of all this effort and time I'd put in
to believing in Jesus? Why shouldn't I look after myself a bit? I went up to him and suggested I
might know Jesus' movements if anyone was interested in finding him...he got my drift and
immediately took me in to discuss the transaction with Caiphas - the chief priest himself. I felt a bit
of an adrenalin rush when they agreed to 30 pieces of silver for my information, and for help in
guiding them to Jesus. It was so easy and Jesus was surely never to suspect what I'd done. I was one
of the twelve for goodness sake! When they found him they'd probably give him a bit of a warning,
a talking to about the stuff he's been going on about, maybe rough him up a bit

Later on, I saw my opportunity...Jesus had told us after supper that he wanted to pray in the Garden of Gethsemane so we all went with him. He seemed a bit agitated, and told us all to stay in one part of the garden and pray and keep watch, whilst he prayed further away in private.  I knew the others would soon fall asleep because we always did after a meal. I took my chance and stole away, back to the priests who were waiting, ready. They had rather more guards than I thought was necessary but they insisted, and I guided them back to the garden.

Jesus was waking the disciples. I went up to him and greeted him with a kiss. This was the sign I'd agreed you see, the one I kissed was the one they wanted. Everything seemed to happen really fast then, some of the others were looking at me, some were trying to say sorry to Jesus for falling asleep, but Jesus was looking beyond at the approaching guards. He seemed calm, and then he looked straight at me. The word 'Rabbi...' was still coming from my lips when there was some kind of scuffle between the groups...one of the disciples had gone for one of the guards with his sword when they were seizing hold of Jesus, I think it was Peter... I had retreated into the background by now so I couldn't hear all that was said, but in a few moments they were binding Jesus' hands and leading him away...

The disciples fled the other way and then the garden was empty. Just darkness, and then a creeping feeling that I'd just done something of terrible consequence. Thoughts raced through my mind...oh my God, what exactly were they about to do to Jesus? And that look he'd given me...it was like he had looked straight into my soul! What had I done? Oh, Judas, for 30 pieces of silver! 30 pieces! What deal had I just brokered? What were they going to do to him? What if they....no, no they hadn't the authority...no!

I spent a day in agony whilst they interrogated him. The next morning, I heard that Caiphas and the Sanhedrin had found Jesus guilty of blasphemy and were handing him over to the Roman Governor, Pilate, with their request to have him killed. It was my worst nightmare. I hadn't meant this to happen! I went straight to the Sanhedrin and tried to give back the 30 pieces of silver. They wouldn't take it, they wouldn't listen to me tell them they'd got it wrong, that Jesus was innocent. I tried to plead with them, but they wouldn't listen, instead they scorned me and swept past me out of the courtyard. I threw the money after them and ran off, hearing the noise of scattering coins behind me.

I ran down the narrow streets, tears blurring my vision. I couldn't face anyone after that. I couldn't go to watch what they would do next. My guilt overwhelmed me. I decided to end it.